


Reluctantly

by sleeponrooftops



Category: Avenged Sevenfold
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-06-04
Updated: 2008-06-04
Packaged: 2017-10-31 07:54:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/341737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleeponrooftops/pseuds/sleeponrooftops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was saying something, but I just stared.  He was dressed up again, looking like he was trying to press himself all nice for someone.  He never dressed up for me anymore.  No matter how many times I complimented him.  He always wore sweats and some old t-shirt with me.  He was too comfortable, and that had to change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reluctantly

He came home laughing.  That was the first sign something was up.  He was on the phone when he clumsily stumbled in, blinded by the darkness enveloping the house.  He was giggling incessantly with whoever was on the other line and I immediately hated that person.  I hadn’t been able to get Brian to laugh in four months.

 

_Story of my life  
Searching for the right  
But it keeps avoiding me  
Sorrow in my soul  
Cos it seems that wrong  
Really loves my company_

 

‘Okay, I’m home.  I have to go.  I’ll talk to you tomorrow.  Bye. .. Ditto.’

 

He hangs up, sighs happily, and flips on the living room lights.

 

‘Matt,’ he gasps, face falling a little as the surprise burns in his eyes.

 

‘You’re back pretty late,’ I murmur, watching him nod and strip out of his coat, scarf, fedora, and gloves.

 

‘I told you not to wait up,’ he reminds, looking over at me mercilessly.

 

‘I couldn’t help it.  I wanted to see you.’

 

‘Thanks,’ he mutters before heading for the kitchen.

 

I follow him, walking in as he’s pulling a bottle of water out.

 

‘I missed you,’ I whisper against his ear as I slide my arms around his small waist.  I’ve always loved how he’s that much littler than me.

 

‘Are we going into the studio tomorrow?  We really need to finish the album.’

 

‘Yeah,’ I hiss, hating him for blowing off my sentiment, but burying my nose in his long, graceful neck anyway.  An almost familiar scent catches my nose and I pull away, frowning.

 

‘You smell different,’ I comment as he moves out of my arms and heads for the hallway leading to our bedroom.  We’ve only been sharing my apartment for two months and I know he misses his old home, rooming with Zack.

 

‘I bought new cologne,’ he tries to shrug it off, but I can’t shake the feeling that I know it from somewhere.

 

‘I’ve smelt it before,’ I persist.

 

‘Probably.  You buy so much fucking cologne yourself, you’ve probably smelt it before.  Or tried it.  I dunno.  I’m tired, Matt.  I just wanna go to bed.  G’night.’

 

He knows I won’t follow right away since I haven’t in weeks, so I do so and grab his hand on the way.  He flinches away, but I don’t say anything, just watching him put it in his pocket.  I hate that he won’t hold my hand anymore.  It absolutely kills me.  Sighing, I let him go to bed alone, ultimately falling asleep myself on the couch…

 

_He's more than a man  
And this is more than love  
The reason that the sky is blue  
The clouds are rolling in  
Because I'm gone again  
And to him I just can't be true  
  
_

The album’s suffering.  My vocals aren’t doing well and I mostly just don’t care.  I’m in the sound booth currently, looking over lyrics, and he’s paused in the middle of a riff to text someone.

 

‘Bri, can you do that in your spare time?’ I query, sighing heavily.

 

He doesn’t even look up at my voice, merely finishes his text, closes his phone, and goes back to his riff.  It comes out flawlessly, like always.  Brian always does everything perfectly.  It’s just his way.

 

‘Brian!’ I shout through the mic as he pulls out his phone again.

 

He glances up this time, obviously surprised at my tone.

 

‘Do that when you’re not in the fucking studio,’ I hiss, glaring at him.

 

‘Fine.’

 

He gets up, leaving his guitar leaning against the sound board, and walks out.

 

‘Matt, take a break,’ Jason says to me from the couch.

 

‘No,’ I growl, fixing my lyrics on the stand.

 

We’re trying to do _Dear God_ , but, obviously, it doesn’t work when I’m mad.  So, eventually, after too many frustrating tries, I exit, hollering for Zack at the top of my lungs.  I find him outside, sitting with Jimmy and Johnny, nodding along to something they’re saying, but fingers flying across his flip keyboard.

 

‘Zack,’ I breathe, leaning against the doorway.

 

He looks up at my soft tone, eyes wide.

 

‘Yeah, man?’

 

‘Can I talk to you for a second?’

 

‘Sure.  Where?’

 

‘In the sound booth, preferably.’

 

‘Confidential business?’ he whispers as he reaches me, stepping inside the cool building.

 

‘Mm,’ I murmur, following him back to the room only to find Brian in the sound booth, singing backing vocals.

 

‘Fucker,’ I gripe, glaring viciously at him.

 

He falters, and I think it’s because of the glare, so I simply continue on my way toward the bass room.  Zack follows, quietly, and he looks nervous when we sit down.

 

‘Can you find out if something’s up with Brian?  He’s been acting weird lately,’ I query, rubbing my eyes.

 

‘Like how?’

 

‘I dunno, man.  I feel like something’s wrong.  I feel like he’s… I dunno, Zack.  I don’t wanna think about it.  Just see if he’s up to something he shouldn’t be for me?’

 

‘’Course.  You all good?  I think Jimmy and Johnny were gonna start a card game and I wanna get in on that.’

 

‘Yeah, thanks, kid.’

 

We clap hands, I leaving, watching his phone vibrate in his pocket…

 

_And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful  
And it kills him inside  
To know that I am happy with some other guy  
I can see him dying_

Brian disappears halfway through recording that day.  Zack leaves, too, saying he’s gonna find out what’s going on.  I nod, watching him go before Jimmy turns to me, looking curious.

 

‘What do you think is going on with who?’ he asks.  I love his cryptic questions.

 

‘Something’s up with Brian.’

 

‘Well… aren’t you guys not speaking to each other right now?’

 

‘What are you talking about?’

 

‘I dunno.  I thought I heard him say something about you being mad at him.’

 

‘I’m not.  I’m just so fucking sick of him coming home late and lying to me.’

 

‘Ever thought—’

 

‘No,’ I interrupt, standing up and walking off.

 

‘ _A Little Piece of Heaven_ ,’ is all I say, really wanting to get rid of this anger building up in me.  I can’t do this.  I can’t be hurt like this… _  
  
I don't wanna do this anymore  
I don't wanna be the reason why  
Everytime I walk out the door  
I see him die a little more inside  
I don't wanna hurt him anymore  
I don't wanna take away his life  
I don't wanna be...  
A murderer_

Jimmy, Johnny, and I go out for drinks that night, I having full intentions to get completely wasted and come home later than Brian.

 

‘See, I don’t fucking get it, man,’ I slur, slopping my drink onto my hand as I look to either side of me, ‘He’s seeing someone else, I just know it.  He won’t fucking kiss me, guys.  It’s, like… fuck.’

 

‘He’s happy with you, Matt, I’m sure,’ Jimmy tries to assure, patting my shoulder awkwardly.

 

‘No fucking way, man.  He hates me.  I’m sure of it.  And, you know what, I fucking hate his guts.’

 

‘That’s not true,’ Johnny tries, and I just nod.

 

‘You’re right.  I don’t fucking hate him.  I love that goddamn son of a prick so much.  Why the fuck can’t he see that?’

 

‘He’s just lost his head for a bit.  Brian does that.  He gets weird and too into the scene sometimes.  Give him a break.  He’ll come ‘round.’

 

‘I’m gonna go home, man.  My head hurts.  Thanks for coming out with me, you two.  We should do this more often.’

 

‘Matt, sleep in tomorrow morning.  Come to the studio late.’

 

‘N’aw, man, I can feel a good song coming on.  Maybe I’ll go right now.’

 

‘John, can you call him a cab?  I’m gonna go pay the tab.  Matt, stay with Johnny.’

 

I watch as Johnny pulls out his phone and I growl lowly, remembering Brian on his fucking cell phone, laughing with someone that _wasn’t me_.

 

‘You okay?’ Johnny asks as he waits.

 

‘Fucking Haner,’ I grumble, leaning my head on my arms.  Why is it so fucking hard to hate him?

 

‘Just go home and sleep, Matt,’ Jimmy says some minutes later, pushing me into the cab… _  
  
I feel it in the air  
As I'm doing my hair  
Preparing for another date  
A kiss upon my cheek  
As he reluctantly  
Asks if I'm gonna be out late  
I say I won't be long  
Just hanging with the girls  
A lie I didn't have to tell  
Because we both know  
Where I'm about to go  
And we know it very well_

I stumble in, laughing at some joke the cab driver told me as I was getting out.  I think it’s about twelve thirty, but I can’t be totally sure.

 

‘BRIAN!’ I legitimately scream, throwing my winter garments aside.

 

‘Fuck, dude, I’m trying to sleep!’ he yelps, throwing something through the open door.

 

‘I want to talk to you, you fucking bitch!’

 

‘What did you call me?’ he hisses, appearing in the doorway.

 

‘You’re a fucking loser, Haner.  Get your fat ass over here.’

 

‘I don’t know who the fuck you think you’re talking to, but—Matt, what are you doing?’

 

The fear enters his eyes as I corner him against the wall.

 

‘I told you I wanted to fucking talk to you.  Don’t pretend you can take me.’

 

‘Matt, you’re totally shitfaced.  Go lie down.’

 

‘Fuck you, Haner,’ I growl, taking a swing at the side of his head.

 

The blow hits him _hard_ and he falls, his weight crashing heavily into the ground.

 

‘Goddamn it, Matt!’ he screeches, glaring up at me.

 

I merely reach down, grab the collar of his shirt, and drag him into the room.

 

‘Who is it?’ I demand, lifting him up, he gasping for air, and throwing him onto the bed.

 

‘What are you talking about?’ he breathes, inhaling deeply.

 

I rip down his pants, his boxers immediately coming after.

 

‘Who the fuck are you seeing?’

 

‘Matt, stop!’ he gasps as I let myself down on him, clothed chests pressing together.

 

‘Tell me!’ I roar before connecting our lips in a sloppy, needy, and hurtful kiss.  I know he’s got a ridiculous kink for pain, but he’s never going to be able to take what I’ve got in store for him… _  
  
Cos I know that he knows I'm unfaithful  
And it kills him inside  
To know that I am happy with some other guy  
I can see him dying_

I rip his shirt off, revealing his toned and beautiful tanned chest, devoid of tattoos and perfect for scratching.

 

‘Matt, please,’ he whimpers, trying to pull away as I start nibbling at his collarbone, trying to find the place.

 

‘Fuck,’ he hisses, back arching despite his attempts not to.

 

Without any warning whatsoever, I let my eye teeth sink right in, nails almost biting the flesh of his waist.  He lets out a shriek, trying to squirm away, but I’ve got him held fast.

 

‘Matt, STOP!’ he screams, pushing at me.

 

I finish the hickey, don’t clean it up, and remove my fingers from his sides, pleased at the deep bruises they’ll leave.  The bite is bleeding a little, quite red and already puffing slightly.  That’ll bruise badly, too.

 

‘Don’t,’ he gasps as I reach for my belt.  He’s never bottomed before, so this should be quite the experience.

 

‘My God, please don’t,’ he cries, starting to sit up.

 

I merely push him back down, pin his wrists above his head, and pull down the zipper to my jeans.  I was ready before I even got home.

 

‘Don’t move or you’ll be sorry,’ I hiss before letting go of his wrists and pulling off my shirt.

 

He throws up his leg, swings upward, latches his fist to the side of my head, and shoves me off the bed before tumbling off himself and crashing toward the door.  I catch him at the threshold, anger flaring as he shrieks a name I can’t hear through my red haze.

 

‘WHO IS IT?’ I scream, pulling him back and shoving him viciously against the wall.

 

My jeans drop to the floor and he lets out a God-awful screech, fists making contact with my skin and nails cutting open skin.

 

‘NO!’ he shouts, trying to push me away as I grab hold of his wrists again.

 

‘Tell me who it is and I won’t,’ I whisper against his lips, eyes still open and glaring at him.

 

‘Matt, please.  Please don’t.  My God, I love you, I promise.’

 

‘Don’t fucking lie to me!’ I bark, pushing into him fast.  He emits a noise I _never_ want to hear again.

 

It’s this “I’m-literally-dying” scream and his body goes slightly limp, his eyes rolling into the back of his head as fast, hysterical tears fall down his perfect visage.

 

‘Who is it?’ I hiss into his ear and he shudders violently as I start a quick rhythm, the blood making it slightly easier.

 

He opens his mouth, but can’t form the name.

 

‘Who the fuck is it?’ I push harder, deeper, and he screams louder, his voice cracking.

 

‘Z-Z-Zack,’ he gasps, his voice barely a whisper.

 

I stop, eyes wide.

 

‘Zack?’

 

He nods, looking at me hopefully through his sweaty, tear-stained expression.  The name just provokes more infuriation… _  
  
I don't wanna do this anymore  
I don't wanna be the reason why  
Everytime I walk out the door  
I see him die a little more inside  
I don't wanna hurt him anymore  
I don't wanna take away his life  
I don't wanna be...  
A murderer_

When I arrive on time for recording tomorrow with a large headache, no one’s there except Jason and Matt Berry, quietly discussing something in the corner.

 

‘Where is everyone?’ I question softly, the Berry’s jumping nearly a foot in the air.

 

‘You’re not allowed in here until further notice,’ Jason says, immediately moving toward me.

 

‘What?  We have to record,’ I try, taking a step forward.

 

‘Get out, Matt.’

 

‘Guys, I need more ice,’ a familiar voice says right before Zack appears in the room, instantly stopping as he sees me, eyes bulging.

 

I can smell him from here, that scent Brian had that time.  And it suddenly clicks: the texting, the phone calls, the late nights, the different smells.  I should have seen the signs beforehand.

 

‘What is he doing here?’ Zack hisses, looking over at Matt.

 

‘He was just leaving,’ Jason assures, moving me toward the exit.

 

‘Wait a minute.  What’s going on?’

 

‘What the fuck do you mean what’s going on?  You weren’t _that_ shitfaced, Matt!’ Zack screams, throwing me a hearty glare.

 

‘What did I do?’

 

‘Dude, c’mon, Jimmy said you weren’t even slurring that bad.  Don’t do this.  Just get out.’

 

‘I want to see him.’

 

I choke on the last word as I see Brian exit the room, the door open to the hallway.

 

‘Zack?’ he calls softly, looking in the opposite direction.

 

Zack spins around, quickly hurrying toward my baby.

 

‘Go back inside,’ he says, lightly touching Brian’s shoulder.

 

He flinches, and that’s when I notice he’s not wearing a shirt.

 

‘I have to pee.  What’s all the—’ he stops short as he sees me, eyes widening.

 

‘Go back inside,’ Zack murmurs again, pulling on his hand and revealing him to me.

 

‘My God,’ I gasp, taking a step back. _  
  
Our love, his trust  
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head  
Get it over with  
I don't wanna do this anymore_

His front has long nail marks, raw and red while the indents in his waist are an ugly purple.  His right shoulder is nearly black from where I smashed him against the wall and his lip is cut and swollen.  He looks like he had been crying all night for his eyes are still slightly puffy and red and his hair is a mess.

 

‘Brian, I’m so… my God, did I do all that?  Really?’ I breathe, looking at Jason.

 

‘You wanna know how we found him?’ he gripes, grabbing my shoulder and steering me out.

 

Once we’re outside, Jason shoves me roughly in the chest.

 

‘Zack called all of us last night at three in the morning saying Brian had just called him.  According to the _hysterical_ Zack, Brian was hurt, unable to move, and at your house.  So, we go there and you’re passed out in the bed, naked and looking pretty riled.  Brian?  He’s on the floor, curled in a ball, and just as stark.  You know, Zack being as considerate and _loving_ as he is, he covers Brian up, gathers his clothes, and we have to fucking _carry_ Brian out.  He _could not move_ , Matt.  We get back to the studio and he sobs for the whole night, relating the story to Zack with all of us listening.  How could you do that?  Do you even _know_ how much trouble we went through with trying to refrain from calling the cops?  He fucking loves you, I don’t know how, but he does and we all know he’s gonna fucking forgive you, but, man, that was just fucked.  I can’t believe you did that.’

 

‘If he loved me, he wouldn’t be seeing Zack!’ I shout, tears in the corners of my eyes just thinking about what I’d done.

 

‘He didn’t want to hurt you, Matt, because he _does_ love you.  There’s just something with him and Zack.  They’ve got some weird connection, man, and there’s no stopping that.  He _was_ going to tell you, and then you went and fucking _raped him_ ,’ he hisses the last part, glaring viciously at me, ‘That’s fucking wrong, Shads.’

 

‘When can I come back?’  There’s no way I’m winning this fight with that shoved in my face.

 

‘We’ll call you.  Whenever he’s ready, though.  Cos it’s not about you and your fucking issues anymore.  It was, Matt, when he was cheating on you.  You went too far this time, kid.’

 

I just nod and watch as Jason goes back inside.  Sighing and running a hand over my face, I go back to my car with the full intention of going home and just sleeping the rest of the day when my phone rings.  I pull it out, flip it open, and my breath completely disappears as I see his name.  I open the text, fear making my blood run cold.

 

 _I’m sorry_ , it says.

 

I always knew he was too good for me… _  
  
I don't wanna do this anymore  
I don't wanna be the reason why  
And everytime I walk out the door  
I see him die a little more inside  
And I don't wanna hurt him anymore  
I don't wanna take away his life  
I don't wanna be...  
A murderer_ ****


End file.
